Elton John - Leather Jackets (1986) Album Score: 10

Here it is. The worst Elton John album ever according to Elton John. Yeah, I listened to this album, and I'm not going to be one to argue with him. This is pretty godawful. The good news is that this actually isn't his worst album. That dishonor goes exclusively to Victim of Love. It can certainly be stated that this is his worst album to feature original material. A disco producer wrote all the songs on Victim of Love and Elton just gave karaoke performances over it.

It's no real surprise that this album was produced in 1986, which is pretty much inarguably hailed as a sort of black-hole year among '60s and '70s musicians. The Rolling Stones released their crap-tastic Dirty Work, Paul McCartney had Press to Play, Bob Dylan's awful Knock Out Loaded, Alice Cooper's Constrictor, and I could go on... Elton John's Leather Jackets is just another example of the evil stranglehold the year 1986 had on middle-aged rock stars.

As expected, Elton John spends an awful lot of time sounding like he wanted to be a regular old '80s pop star. Also as you'd expect, his instrumental decisions are tasteless and bland. Pretty much everything he does, production-wise, was a bad idea. When I listen to this album, especially the second half of it, I have to struggle to keep my eyes from rolling to the back of my head. Leave the electronic gadgetry to the young guys, man! Furthermore, John's old melodic talents are reduced to stubs; there's only a hint of this guy's former melodic brilliance. That said, his melodies aren't half bad when you compare it to the melodies in Cyndi Lauper's 1986 album, but ... well, we're talking about Elton John here! Elton John used to rule!!

His last gasp of decency before he was completely assimilated by the pod people was the ballad "Gypsy Heart." I won't claim that the melody is memorable to any strong degree, but it's perfectly pleasant for at-the-moment listening. Also, I kinda like "Don't Trust That Woman." Maybe it's a thinly disguised stab at his fake-heterosexuality, but all I care about is that it's a somewhat convincing toe tapper. The steel drum sound hidden in the synth texture constitutes the best "high tech" production idea on the whole album.

Now let's talk about the bad stuff, and trust me, this gets pretty BAD. There has never been a worse Elton John song than "Memory of Love." That's definitely a ballad, but it's like someone took the Elton we all know and love and rattled his brain until it was only half fuctional. His vocal performance sounds like he was going to turn into the Incredible Hulk, and ... gosh ... I just can't think about it anymore ... "Angeline" constitutes another curious blunder. It's just a confused mess, and another moment on this crapperpiece that I don't want to think about. He couldn't have ended the album on a murkier note with "I Fall Apart." That's a hopelessly murky song in which he sings with a lot of reverb. It depresses me to just think about these moments any longer. I think I need some Twizzlers.

TRACKS

Leather Jackets 7.5/10

Yikes! What is this? A typical '80s song fully equipped with cheesy synthesizer sounds and bouncy drum machines. I'm just glad that it makes quite a decent listen. Melodically, this is pretty close to his usual style except the for the generic instrumentals. I wish it were a little catchier, because the effort does tend to grow stale by the end. The arrangements get a little strange and clunky midway into the song. I like it when musicians layer sounds, but not when it sounds so dang awkward.

Hoop of Fire 6.5/10

Yuck. The production is about as non exciting as it gets. It's not necessarily tasteless, but it's BLAND. He's catering to generic '80s production standards, and that's a huge problem. Its only saving grace is that it's kind of tuneful. The melody is not impressive whatsoever coming from Elton John whose melodic prowess is legendary, but that's the one thing that's keeping it tolerable.

Don't Trust That Woman 8/10

This is a little better and I like certain aspects of the instrumentation. The steel drum sound you hear at times in the background was a nice touch. This is upbeat though I wish that it were more thunderous. I'm not sure what he was thinking with that instrumental interlude where he's making those half-step chord progressions. But without that section, this song might have been completely bland. Apparently, you can hear Cher singing backing vocals. Yeah, I don't care about that either.

Go it Alone 6/10

This has a funny robo synth-pop introduction, and I'm left rather disappointed that this didn't turn out any nicer, overall. This is Elton singing and utterly faceless and toneless pop song. His melody prowess is now completely out the window to make room for this studio "trickery." But Elton John's not exactly an audiophile, so he's just not that impressive. I suppose there was still enough spirit to keep it off the ground, but this isn't the Elton John I want to hear... He's not just not good at '80s pop, and I wish that he would stick to his old style...

Gypsy Heart 8/10

Alright, there's some piano here and that's a good start. Furthermore, this is a ballad, which has always been this guy's greatest strength. And what do you know? It's a formidable song! The melody is nice, but this isn't exactly something that's prone to stick in your mind. Elton delivers his always winning vocal performance. The back-up singers are rather corny, but I've seen them sounding much worse than this.

Slow River 5/10

This is a ballad, but it's a BAD one. This isn't Elton John but a faceless adult contemporary '80s piece of garbage that nobody needed to hear. It's a duet with Cliff Richard, an artist I surprisingly don't know much about. Anyway, this song certainly doesn't sound like Elton but any average, two-bit '80s popster pandering for a big radio hit. Meh.

Heartache All Over the World 6/10

Eh....... This is OK, I guess. It's another bouncy, poppy '80s song that has a tiny bit of merit I suppose. Not really, but at least you can tap your foot along with it. He repeats this bland hook an awful lot though... geez... The production continues to adhere mostly to the boring '80s pop cliches although there's some odd slides incorporated here and there that was a nice touch. He decides to strip the instrumentation in the middle of it and have a little bit of "spirited vocal" build-up. That's something that never works.

Angeline 4/10

This is the second time Roger Taylor and John Deacon from Queen lended their talents to an Elton John record. They completely screwed it up the last time on Ice on Fire. What do they do now? ... Um ... Well.... I'm not sure it's actually their fault this time. The melody is the big culprit here. It's very primitive. The production ranks as one of the worst of the album. It's so murky, and it's hardly even listenable. How curiously bad.

Memory of Love 3/10

While we're at it, we had might as well have a memory for Elton John. It's getting painfully clear that he's not even trying. You can tell in the vocal performance. He sounds like he's had a rat in his pants when he sang this. This synthesizer solo had such a sound that I can do nothing else but exclaim to the sky: "What was he thinking?!?!?" Victim of Love looks decent next to this song. That's how bad it is.

Paris 7/10

Well, anything sounds better than that previous song although this isn't exactly the most ideal follow-up. It works well enough. The melody is the best that it has been for quite some time in this album and so is the production. Despite that the beginning sounds like some horrible '80s nightmare, there's some nice instrumentation in the middle including some dramatic build-ups that work. Despite that, this is another one of those tiring old ballads that's really making me depressed. Is this Elton John or is this a pretender???

I Fall Apart 5.5/10

Murky, dreary, horrible. Elton John's playing a bit too much with that reverb knob and I think he was hoping that doing all of that would dazzle enough to make us forget that he didn't really have a melody for it. This is just boring. Those heavily synthesizer sounds are dull. Listening to this music makes me sigh most profusely. I want to give up this idiotic hobby of mine, now. But I won't 'cos I still have some good Alice Cooper albums left to review...